BizLawBuz …. The Power of Know

Several weeks ago, I shared a poem written by Emily Perl Kingsley entitled, “Welcome to Holland.” (click here to read the “Holland” Reflections blog post) The poem reflects Kingsley’s experience of raising a child with a disability to help people who have not shared that unique experience to understand it and in some small way imagine how it would feel.

A recent experience
Based on the overwhelming response to my previous post and the poem, I thought it would be appropriate to share a recent experience I had with my son, Casey, who is autistic. Casey recently spent several days with me at our Suttons Bay home after the Fourth of July weekend. As often happens during the summer months, when balancing two separate homes and office locations in Farmington and Suttons Bay, my wife had returned downstate with the other two boys after the holiday for their summer job and sports camp commitments. This left Casey and me on our own. Although the summer months result in a lot of activity at my firm’s Suttons Bay office, including client meetings and work to do, Casey and I were able to take some time off together.

Casey’s “list of things to do”
One of the items that is consistently on Casey’s “list of things to do” when we are together up north is to take a day and go kayaking on one of the local rivers or lakes. One Saturday morning, we packed our provisions for the day and headed over to the Putt and Paddle at the The River in Glen Arbor, Michigan (www.theriverglenarbor.com) and met Mike, the owner, to outfit ourselves with a kayak for the day’s trip. We chose a trip down the Crystal River and Mike and his crew took good care of us in driving us to the “drop spot” for a several-hour journey down the river.

While a lot of what I anticipated on our trip, of course, happened, in most cases, right on queue, (i.e., dropping items like our lunch in the water, me getting a workout pushing the kayak over the sandbars and getting sunburned in all the spots I missed putting sunscreen on) I experienced another in what has been a long series of “Holland moments” with Casey as we paddled down the river.

“Who knows this stuff?”
Casey proceeded to give me a dissertation on the types of trees, plants and vegetation we passed by; recited facts on when the area had been first settled and where the people originated from who moved there; and how, before that, he identified the Indian tribes that used the river and related several stories he had read in various books about the history of Leelanau County. As I listened to my son talk, I thought to myself, “Who knows this stuff?” Then it occurred to me. Casey does!

The pizza ritual
We finished our trip with the ritual of eating Shrimp Alfredo Pizza at Riverfront Pizza (www.riverfrontpizza.com) and laughed about our lunch that got wet, and that we had to run after our kayak as it floated away after sliding down a steep hill after we portaged the kayak across a country road during the course of our trip. At the end of our day, Casey, once again, proclaimed as he often does that, “This was the best day of my life.“

It is these experiences that remind me that Casey not only is a young man with special needs, but also a person with extraordinary and special talents.

Enjoy your time with your families and friends this summer.
Remember, whatever disappointments you may experience in your vacation that was supposed to take you to your version of “Italy,” that sometimes the experiences you have in “Holland” are even more special and meaningful.

Dan A. Penning

 

Normally, our weekly emails provide information on various legal issues to assist our clients, contacts and other subscribers in their personal and business affairs. Today’s “special edition” is somewhat different. Hopefully the following information will make you pause, reflect on life a moment and simply make your day a little brighter. My wife and I have been blessed with three great sons, one of whom is challenged with autism. While not all of us have the challenge of raising a child with special needs, we all experience disappointments and failed expectations in our lives, careers and relationships. While the following poem focuses on the experience of raising the child with a disability, there are many lessons that we can all learn from the message of the author.

Welcome to Holland

by Emily Perl Kingsley

I am often asked to describe the experience of raising a child with a disability - to try to help people who have not shared that unique experience to understand it, to imagine how it would feel. It’s like this…

When you’re going to have a baby, it’s like planning a fabulous vacation trip - to Italy. You buy a bunch of guide books and make your wonderful plans. The Coliseum. The Michelangelo David. The gondolas in Venice. You may l earn some handy phrases in Italian. It’s all very exciting.

After months of eager anticipation, the day finally arrives. You pack your bags and off you go. Several hours later, the plane lands. The stewardess comes in and says, “Welcome to Holland.”

“Holland?!?” you say. “What do you mean Holland?? I signed up for Italy! I’m supposed to be in Italy. All my life I’ve dreamed of going to Italy.”

But there’s been a change in the flight plan. They’ve landed in Holland and there you must stay.

The important thing is that they haven’t taken you to a horrible, disgusting, filthy place, full of pestilence, famine and disease. It’s just a different place.

So you must go out and buy new guide books. And you must learn a whole new language. And you will meet a whole new group of people you would never have met.

It’s just a different place. It’s slower-paced than Italy, less flashy than Italy. But after you’ve been there for a while and you catch your breath, you look around…. and you begin to notice that Holland has windmills…. and Holland has tulips. Holland even has Rembrandts.

But everyone you know is busy coming and going from Italy… and they’re all bragging about what a wonderful time they had there. And for the rest of your life, you will say “Yes, that’s where I was supposed to go. That’s what I had planned.”

And the pain of that will never, ever, ever, ever go away… because the loss of that dream is a very very significant loss. But… if you spend your life mourning the fact that you didn’t get to Italy, you may never be free to enjoy the very special, the very lovely things… about Holland.

Have a great day,

Dan Penning

A few weeks ago I posted a blog about my oldest son, Tucker, and his experiences in a high school hockey tournament and about how through perseverance, commitment and hard work he achieved success and assisted his team in winning a tournament semi-final game.

I also quoted various statements by Dr. Alan Zimmerman that appeared in his weekly newsletter entitled “Tuesday Tip” on success. Dr. Zimmerman commented that one must observe four key elements in order to achieve success which are to “toil awhile; to endure awhile; to believe always and to never turn back”.

April is Autism Awareness Month. I have three sons, all of whom are special, unique and from my prejudice view, great kids. One of my sons, a 14 year-old twin, Casey, is autistic. As I reflected further on my blog about my oldest son’s hard work and achievement of success on the ice, I began thinking about challenges that individuals who are autistic, like my son Casey, face minute-by-minute, hour-by-hour and day-by-day. The significant factor that makes autism so difficult to deal with is that it is a spectrum disorder that is not the same for any two individuals. There are varying degrees of autism and how it manifests itself in people.

Children with autism may act in some unusual ways. Some may have difficulties with certain activities, but they may have strengths in other areas. For instance, a child with autism may be a math wiz, a great artist or unbeatable at computer games. Still, they may have trouble putting their thoughts into words or understanding what you say.

Some children with autism prefer that schedules stay the same or that people always sit in the same seats and they have a difficult time when things change. Changes may be scary for them, so they may try telling others what to do or where to sit. When schedules change and they do not know what is coming next, they are very upset, sad or angry.

Some children with autism do not see, hear, or feel things the same way we do. For instance, the sound of a school bell or the noise of a parade may hurt their ears. Some may have trouble eating certain foods because of the way they taste. Others may be very sensitive to certain smells. Smells we like, such as cookies baking, may make them feel sick. On the other hand, things that bother most of us, like a bee sting, may not appear to be as painful to them.

No one knows why some people have autism, and there may be many difference causes. Scientists are still trying to find out just what those causes are and how to best help people with autism. Approximately 1,500,000 people in the United States have autism, and it is more common in boys then girls.

In my previous blog I reflected on my son, Tucker’s experience in his hockey game, stating “it occurred to me that his path to success in that situation mirrors how we, as adults, should pursue success”. Being the parent of an autistic child, I have been blessed to witness Casey’s hard work, dedication and perseverance to be successful. On occasion, I have the good fortune of either driving my son Casey to his junior high school or picking him up after school. Even though he struggles mightily to keep the world around him in order in his own mind to be able to function and make his way through the day, he always cheerfully exits the vehicle, instructs me to have a great day, throws his backpack over his shoulder and marches into his school together with approximately 800 other junior high students. Given Casey’s challenges, I can’t begin to understand the courage it must take for him to make it through each and every day.

Casey is “successful”. The measure of each person’s success is relative to the courage and hard work that gets them through their problems. Often times children with autism are referred to as “special needs children”. In our family, we don’t think of Casey as having “special needs”, we think that Casey has special gifts that we as a family learn from and are inspired by each day.

While we hope and pray for medical and other related advancements to identify autisms cause and a cure, let’s not forget to celebrate the inspiration these individuals can provide to us in our every day lives.

Dan A. Penning (aka proud father)